More Quotes by Billy Connolly

• The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?”
• I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning. . . . That can keep me awake for days..”
• Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cozy... Doesn't try it on.”
• “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”
• What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”
• I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”
• The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.”
• I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”
• My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”
• Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.”
• My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”
• Save the Trees?...Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
• Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?
• Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
• "I love fishing. It's like transcendental meditation with a punch line."
• "A well balanced person has a drink in each hand."